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In fact, my lack of an older brother is a major element of my life.The reality is that I was the oldest of several children. The fact that I was the first born - and a daughter, not a son - was an irritant to my father. It wasn't how he envisioned his family.As a girl I wasn't - and could never be - my father's eldest son. And yet I was expected to fill the role that he had assigned for his oldest child, the child who was supposed to be a boy. It created a whole host of problems for me - expectations that I could never meet.To be fair, I put some of it on myself, but I can never really parse out how much of it was my own creation and how much was my parents assignment of a role to me.For example, I took responsibility for my younger siblings, trying to protect them and keep them from getting in trouble. Of course, my parents held me responsible for their behavior, but I embraced that responsibility and tried to make it work.I took punishments for them when I could - when I was brave. But there is something that I still don't understand." What?" How... how can you watch me do... do stuff with other men and not get jealous?"Tim was silent for a while. "I guess I do get jealous. I think that's part of the excitement. I can't explain it but I feel this excitement in the pit of my stomach. When I saw you with Steve and then those two guys last night, I was so excited. I felt something strange. It's almost pride, like I own you. I know that 'own' is the wrong word but it's like... like I'm just letting the men have a taste of you but afterward, you are mine." You mean me having a taste of them," Janice said with a smile.Tim smiled at Janice. She is really warming up to this, he thought. "I have read that the biggest fantasy that men have is watching their wives with other men." Playboy again?" Janice said with a smile."No, I think it was Cosmo." Touché," Janice laughed. "I know it's not the same for women. I'm sure I wouldn't feel excitement watching you with.
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