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We talk every other day. Her attendant told me one day it had taken years off her, that now she’s animated and takes an interest in things. She told me Mom bragged on me! Me!I’ve been living on the streets most of the last twenty years. When I heard what she said, I cut my hair, enrolled in AA classes, and thanks to my AA contacts, found a rooming house geared towards people like me. I have a real address for the first time in years. My boss said if I kept up the job I was doing, he would put me on full time when he had an opening.”He still had the long hair, and beard, but they were neatly trimmed, and his clothes, though worn, were clean, and he had on brand new boots. I shook his hand, and Jen hugged him. He wanted to show us something, so we followed him, Jen walking ahead. I asked him in a low voice if the sobriety was sticking. He blushed. “I’ve slipped, twice. My sponsor got me the first time, my boss the next. He put me in the construction office and made me work the next. It's no problem for me cleaning up. Pam had after all done all the cooking, so it was the least I could do. We have always shared household duties so it also wasn't unusual. What wasn’t usual was the knot I felt in my stomach. That rush of adrenaline when you’re not sure if you should run or fight. I really couldn’t decide if it was excitement, fear of the unknown or something else. It wasn’t necessarily unpleasant. After all, most of us enjoy rides at a carnival or being scared during a horror movie. This feeling felt similar, although I also knew there was a sexual tension mixed with the butterflies.Why I would feel sexually excited was a surprise to me. After all, I wasn’t going to be the person having a new sexual partner. I shouldn’t be feeling aroused. If anything, maybe fear, regret or even anger and resentment. However, those were not the feelings or thoughts I was having. Is it possible that I was living vicariously through what I thought Pam was experiencing? Could it be.
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