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After you’ve climaxed, with the erotic arousal spent, you suddenly see yourself not as the girl you’d created for yourself in your own mind, but as kind of warped deviant dressed in women’s clothes. You feel disgusted with yourself. The shame and guilt are still there, but without the erotic rush. You discard the stockings, high heels and underwear as quickly as you can. They no longer excite you. You do you best to put them back as you found them, hoping she won’t notice. As you wipe away your makeup and nail polish, taking extreme care to remove all traces, you tell yourself you’ll never do this again. But you will.In less than a few hours you’ll be looking at her, in stockings, heels, underwear, that you’ve probably worn before - or are fantasizing about wearing. You reassure yourself that your “normal male, heterosexual attraction” to her, or other women you fantasize about, has returned. But it hasn’t. You’re not lusting for her. Your not lusting after a woman in your mind. Your. Ralph, don't get me wrong. He's basically a good guy but since Rupert's death he's been an over-weaning idiot. I've talked to him about it and it hasn't done a lot of good. Maybe this time he's listened to me." I think," said Ralph to Nell, "I could do with a nap." I'm sure you could, darling. I'll come with you and make sure you stay warm."Neither undressed apart from shoes. Nell snuggled up behind him and held him as he quickly dropped off. He never stirred until Jenny came to wake them."Supper in half an hour and a well deserved drink beforehand," she said stroking her father's cheek. She kissed him lightly and left.Ralph and Nell collected themselves and went to join the family. Tilda was the only child present. Her afternoon sleep would prevent her from sleeping properly if she went to bed at her normal time. Nevertheless, she sat on one of her parents' knees.The atmosphere was subdued. The afternoon had been a bit too dramatic and so conversation was about other things. Sean.
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