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God, he hurt me so much. It was the most devastating experience of my life, and whatever you might hear to the contrary, rape is not fine, it’s awful. It’s frightening, humiliating and utterly demoralising, as well as extremely painful. Show me a woman who say’s she enjoyed being raped and I’ll show you a liar. I was a virgin then, and it was years before I let a man get near me again. This is the story of how I eventually managed it. I didn’t tell anyone about my rape. I just walked home, crying all the way and being ignored by the people that passed me, then I got in the shower and scrubbed myself raw. I wanted to clean every bit of the dirty bastard’s contamination off of me, every bit of skin that he might have touched, every possible atom that he might have left behind. I felt so unclean, so polluted by him, defiled and degraded, and, silly as it sounds, I felt guilty about it as well. I just wanted to put it behind me, but that was wishful thinking. The physical bruises soon. It made for a very curious weekend.That Friday I nosed around and found that there was, indeed, a competition, open only to militiamen, no British regulars or mercenaries, and that, indeed, the prize was a girl, a maiden as she was advertised, of some sixteen years. Most men in the tavern doubted that, doubted there was a women left in New York over the age of twelve who was a virgin. "Less'n she were awful fast," one said. "Or powerful ugly," joked another.Early Saturday, I set out to get me a militia uniform and fell into real luck. The first inn I tried was chuck full of young men from the Eastern Shore of Maryland who had been recruited and uniformed by some wealthy tobacco grower, perhaps one of the much-divided Taliaferro clan. They were called riflemen and all carried heavy-barreled long guns. I wandered about until I found the biggest of the bunch and invited him out to try some rye I told him I had in my saddle bags. Sipping whisky from Maryland, I told him.I left his body.
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