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The shame was that the one person I would like to be being congratulatedand patted on the back by, was conspicuous by her absence.Mum and I had not spoken since the last phone call and all the time"blood's thicker than water" kept intruding and I just hated the thoughtthat I was blanking her out. In point of fact, I wasn't blanking her,she was blanking me.Perhaps it was the fact that I didn't fit into a nice neat packageanymore and I got the impression that she couldn't deal with that."Here's my daughter who used to be my son", probably wouldn't have satwell in her mind. I felt sorry for her, but sorrier for me, because herabsence left a large hole in my life and I couldn't help feeling that ifI could only DO something... The "WHAT" though was the hard part.Facing the truth was harder than anything else I'd had to do. I wasbeing stubborn I know and I had to realise that it was down to mum toget her head round what I was doing. It wasn't as if I was doinganything nefarious or illegal,. I can tell I go into fight or flight mode, even though there’s nothing I can do. My breathing gets shallow and my hands curls up into fists. Now if I just had something to fight against. I have to move to get the excess energy out of my system or I start bouncing around like an over-sugared kid on a pogo stick. My jaw clenches, which in turn makes my head hurt, which makes me angry. I’ve been to counseling and we think we figured out what the problem is. I don’t like being unprepared and I have no idea what happens after you die. Do you go to Heaven/Nirvana or Hell/Hades or Valhalla or Olympus or the Seven Heavens? Is it the Abyss or the windswept plains of Archeron? Are you reincarnated? Can you be resurrected? Is there a Purgatory that you simply wait in for something to happen? Or do you simply cease to be? I think that one frightens me the most, because I don’t want to just ‘not be,’ you know? The others I could deal with, even if it’s Hell. At least I’d still be around. Even.
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Hell, definitely not." Aaron smiled and kissed Jack's chest, their hands finding each other again. "I love you, J. I've always loved you, and this isn't going to change anything..." Aaron said softly, rubbing his thumb over Jack's."Yeah, other than my constant sexual frustration. Think of all the free time I'll have now without having to jack off, right?" They both burst out laughing, and Aaron realized that things wouldn't change. It comforted him, made him happier than anything had in what seemed like an incredibly long time. He grabbed Jack's trenchcoat and pulled it towards him, digging out the cigarette and lighter again and tossed one to Jack."Oh, this is just too much. All we're missing is the roses, candles and Barry White." Jack murmured around his cigarette, still sprawling on the floor."And, I don't know, an actual bed? Shit, at least a carpet or something. This floor's hard, man." Jack looked over at him, starting to smirk. Aaron grabbed the trencoat, lay back down next.

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