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.. I don’t think they’ve ever been to his grave ... I only went so I could spit on his coffin when they buried him ... That was 3 years ago, and I haven’t looked back.”“My sex life ... Well, I only ever had sex with him. I won’t lie, he wasn’t bad in bed, although I’ve got nothing to compare him to, but, you know – he got the job done. It was pleasurable while it lasted, but afterwards there would always be some criticism from him about how I looked or what I did ... He was just this fat hairy bastard, but he complained about me putting on a little weight, or not shaving my legs ... Any little complaint, he always made them.”“I’ve never found dogs attractive. They don’t turn me on. I’ve never watched dogporn or anything like that ... But I was talking to a friend of mine about sex, joking that I didn’t want to have anything to do with men after Michael, and she said I could do better than him - that even a dog would be a step up ... And I don’t know why, but the thought stuck in my. I've seen the pictures!”“It's not funny, Mike. Well, it wasn't then, I can assure you! And he still undresses me with his eyes every time we go to see him. That's why I never go to see him on my own. The last time we were there, he followed me into the kitchen and stroked my arse. I gave his hand a good slap, but didn't say anything to you, to avoid trouble”“The randy old bugger! 75 and still horny! Well, you'll be safe enough with me there! Let's give it some thought and see what we can come up with. Not just taking him down the pub, I mean. Something a bit different.” When he arrived home from work, Mike told Jan that he'd had an idea for Ted's birthday. He had a big smirk on his face when he said it, so she said“C'mon then, what is it? I know that look!”“Well, there'll be just me, you and him, and I'll get there early, then you suddenly appear as …..as...his birthday strippergram!” Mike said, grinning.“What? No bloody way!” Jan shouted.“No, listen, calm down and listen. I'll be.
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