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When the back of the line was up near the front, ready to go down the stairs, Dougie stood up and held his hand out for me.I turned and held my hand out for Susie. When she was up, I didn't let her go, but pulled her close to me."We're going to talk."Her look was something between afraid and embarrassed."I mean it, Susie."She smiled quickly and nodded, squeezing my hand.By the time we got to the stands, we were lucky to find two seats together. Dougie and I took them and Susie went up the stairs a couple of rows.My attention was on Susie. I just knew there was something really wrong and that she needed a friend. Dougie just sat next to me holding on to my hand. There was no teasing; he could tell it wasn't the time for it. When I leaned into him, his arm came around me and he just held on.When there were seven minutes to go in the first half, we got the signal and started to file out of the seats and into the ramp. I looked at the scoreboard just before I turned the corner. We were. I had been struggling with my gender for as long as I could remember, butit seemed like lately I could not fight any more, and cross-dressedwhenever I could. Finally, I had reached a point where I wondered wheremy faith in God had gone, and having prayed to have this need taken fromme for years without an answer, I reached the conclusion I was a lostcause.This led me to having a scary moment where I had a bottle of pills onbed, and I was trying to figure out how many would kill me, since takingtoo many would just make me sick. After more than an hour of looking atthe pills and fighting my natural instinct to stay alive, I gave up, andput the pills back in their bottle, and shook with agony and grief untilI fell asleep.The next day, I went out to a quiet field behind my house, sat down, andlooked up in the sky.Then I started screaming.I shouted as loudly as I could, calling God every name I could think of,using more swear words in this speech than I had used in the sixteenyears.
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