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Once again we had a pleasant evening. I owned what was, back in those days, a great novelty, a Commodore 64 personal computer, to play with. It was of course a primitive device by today’s standards but it was possible to program it and play simple games on it. I wondered then whether the time might come in the future when we would be teaching about such things in school. Harry was fascinated by it, having never had anything to do with anything like it.The four of us became close friends. We went on outings together and we frequently shared meals. We took turns being hosts most Friday nights. Helen and Harry would come to our place for dinner one week. The next week we would go to their place. After we got to know each other evenings often ended with hugs and kisses all round although we were restrained and didn’t cross any boundaries. Dorothy and Helen frequently went shopping together and had long chats over coffee. When we were both free during the weekends Harry and I would get. I pondered over and over how, even if it were possible, changing the past would obliterate my present. I had no desire to lose my wife or family, and felt bad for even entertaining thoughts of “what if” and fantasies about an ex who wasn’t even an ex! What had happened between Ruth and I was woven into the tapestry of who and what sort of man I was today. I wouldn’t change that for a second. Yet my mind persisted, wondering what might have been if I’d only realized that Ruth was scared of physical intimacy. She was afraid of losing me as a friend if we didn’t carry our relationship further, and had told me as much when I confessed my feelings of love for her. Ruth had become dependent, almost addicted, to our special brand of friendship with benefits. Did she live in constant fear that I would one day stop being her friend and thus stop providing her with the shelter and convenience of a virtual relationship? Did she ever fully realize that I would have done anything for her, on any.
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