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”She nodded while watching me calm down. She was still holding my hand on the back of the couch and I realized she never let go, not when she was asking about Francine, not when she asked about me having a girlfriend. I thought it was a little odd, but then I didn’t know Jordan. She might have liked holding hands.She squeezed my hand again and said, “So, do you want to change here, that way you can jump right in when we get to the party?”When she made the offer back at the University Center, it had seemed like a perfectly logical and okay idea, but in her apartment, alone with her, and after the conversation we had, I wasn’t so sure. Whatever had calmed me down before wasn’t strong enough to curb the return of my anxiety.I looked past her. There were two doors. She would probably go to her bedroom to change. I seriously doubted she was going to get undressed while I watched. Just as quickly as the thought crossed my mind, it evolved and became extremely vivid.She unbuttoned her blouse. We hadn't been dating long, only a few months, but our liaison was defined by what seemed to be an endless supply of patience on Charles' part and innumerable occasions for me to redefine myself anew. Unfortunately, I am plagued with a biological preponderance for self-doubt which he was challenging me to face head on. My mother hadn't bonded with me during her pregnancy thus I was left challenged to form healthy, loving relationships as an adult. My brain had been wired differently in the womb than most people's, my subconscious mind operated under the assumption that I was inherently unlovable and intrinsically without value despite how much work I'd done on myself, no matter how many rituals I'd performed, regardless of how many pages I'd written in my journal or affirmations I'd recited in the mirror, even in spite of how wonderful I believed myself to be in my heart. I'd taken tremendous strides toward healing and I had shown marked improvement and I was more than willing to.
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