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I felt wracked with awkwardness for telling Robert how I felt about him and not getting much of a reaction from him. I felt deceitful for wanting to be with Robert while Michael had no clue there was another man in my life. Kind of. Sort of. I never got to sleep. By the time I got tired, it was already time for me to get into the shower, do my hair, put on my makeup, and get dressed to pick up Michael from the airport. By the time I got on the freeway, I felt it was mine to command, my car sometimes being the only one on four lanes, zooming through the middle of the city to get to the airport on the other side of town. I played Lauryn Hill’s ‘Killing Me Softly’ over and over again, singing along to it as slowly, loudly and strongly as she sang the song herself. It felt like the way I wanted to make love to Michael as soon as I could get him behind closed doors, which couldn’t be soon enough. Actually, I wanted to fuck him like a jackal, but that wasn’t Michael’s style. I timed myself. I closed all my accounts and opened a bank account in San Juan as long as a line of credit to access my Swiss bank accounts where I had parked my Uncle Joe’s assets. I had other plans for the extensive gun collection he had also willed to me in his final words.Consuela helped me to plan the funeral for Julie and she was like a little General organizing the two children into obedient robots following orders without question. In the case of the baby, it was no problem because she was too young to be difficult. Maria helped her mother tremendously by watching out for the baby and we functioned like a family unit behind closed doors.When she threw back the covers and welcomed me into the bed, I didn’t hesitate because it was an invitation no gentleman could possibly refuse. I spooned her fabulous rump with my hardness but we didn’t do anything out of respect to my recently departed wife.I knew we would bet around to doing the nasty together real soon but for right now at this moment we.
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