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That it was my fault Mommy left, and that I would never learn.’ Poor kid. Reminded me of my old man. The bastard. ‘And then you didn’t do well at school anymore?’ ‘The next day in school I got two problems wrong in subtracting and I told the teacher it was because I was stupid and I fucked everything up, and she sent me to the principal’s office. He was nice to me and gave me a lollipop, and sent me back to class. I liked the lollipops.’ ‘Jilly, I’m going to give you a lollipop, now. Would you like that?’ ‘Mmm hmm.’ ‘It’s a very special lollipop– it will make you into a genius very quickly. Would you like that?’ ‘Sure.’ It sounded unconvincing, I could tell she was going to need some positive reinforcement (I didn’t go to college, but as you can see, I read a lot of books). ‘Once you finish the lollipop, your brain will be like a sponge for knowledge, and every time you learn something new, you’ll feel very excited and sexy. In fact, you’ll have the best orgasms of your life after. To be clear, I wasn't always like this, though. I thought I wanted love once upon a time, and on very few, rare occasions, I still think I might, but I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to handle being in love if a bucket of the stuff was thrown right in my face. I just wouldn’t; not after seeing what being in love did to my father. Not after witnessing and being part of the toxic and destructive aftermath that resulted from that whole situation. My body shudders involuntarily, not from any remnants of the cold outside, but from unpleasant memories. I actively push the depressing thoughts from my mind before they wander any further. I scrunch my hair into a messy ponytail and put my earphones on as I walk to the backdoor of the rehearsal room, actively switching my focus to music so that I don’t have to think about my somber past. At least not for the next few hours. CHAPTER FIVE I scroll through my classical playlist in search for Celtic Woman's 'The Voice', one of the songs.
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