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. but can’t. The frustration. It already feels weak and submissive, all painted like a girl, dressed in its stockings and girlie things... but locking away its misallocated make genitalia amplifies its sense of submission and weakness many times. It feels impotent, helpless, pathetic. It desperately wants to relieve itself. But not only dies that make a mess of its pretty panties and stockings, it purges all of its girlie transvestite urges for a brief moment of ecstasy. When it has finished it sees itself not as the sexy girlie it has conjured for itself, but as a bizarre young male in stockings and women’s underwear. Without that arousal it derives from its effeminacy and the girlie sensations of its pretty girlie clothes, it feels ashamed and filled with self-loathing. For, at the most, a few short hours it is able to delude itself, again, that it is a regular boy. But it’s not. The urge to dress up in stockings, pretty lingerie, high heels, skirts and to paint its face and nails. My eyes are blurry and unfocused, my heart is clear: Where are you? There is warmth, I feel it. It comes not from the dieing fire in the corning of the room, it is to my left. Your form lies flush against me buried in a heap of thick covers, your hair, the color of bright copper, is splayed out wildly on the pillow. I lose my breath, as I do every time I look at you, your beauty racks my mind. I don’t deserve you, my own perverted twisted form doesn’t possess the grace to yours. Your chest rises up and down slowly in a symphony of a lucid vision. What are you dreaming of? I hope it is of me, a livid romantic dream of our first time, quick and awkward but passionate, it is a memory only a day old. My heart beats wildly, thinking about you envisioning me, don’t you hear it? I am perspiring a little, wrapped in my cocoon of sheets, blankets and you. We were not each other’s firsts, but the way we both moved last night, it could have been. We both wanted to do so much with each other,.
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