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The fact of the matter is that I started drinking more during this time than I ever had. Where I should have been opening up to another human being, I remained a prisoner of my own self-imposed isolation, reveling in my own loneliness and isolation. I had become my own judge, jury and executioner. I knew nothing about grief or depression, yet I was dealing with unexpressed grief and I was clinically depressed. It was as if I deliberately decided to kill off a part of myself to make life bearable, to cut off the emotions that plagued my mind, never realizing I was cutting myself off from the positive emotions as well as the negative. That deal comes with a heavy price I could not afford to pay. I was secretly hoping that nobody could see the chinks in the invisible armor we all try to hide behind from time to time, and yet everyone could clearly see. Everyone except myself. Frustrated by an enemy I couldn’t get a handle on, my life began to spin out of control, slipping like so many. My neighbour is a 47 year old stocky black man who was about 6'4! My wife is 5'1 & perite! my wife had come out to hang the washing up and I noticed that he was starring at her! At first I was annoyed but the more he looked the more I liked the idea! He was talking to me but followed my wife's tight arse in her jeans as she walked past! I asked him what he was starring at and he flinched and said sorry he didn't mean to stare. I said its fine and asked what he thought of her? He replied "you have got a seriously sexy wife mate! She has some serious curves on her!" He looked at her again and said "look at that booty! Not too big but a handful!" You should see her without her clothes mate" I replied! He looked at me and said "mate I have been thinking about that since I moved here!" I laughed and said well this might be your lucky day! I explained the situation and told him that I love the idea of her with another man and that I wanted him to be that man! He was overjoyed and said hell.
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