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It felt almost like a vacation on a tiny, isolated island. We didn’t talk much and at another time that would have been perfect. But my mind was going a mile a minute, filled with insecurities, with questions. How had I gone from a life I was so sure I wanted to a polar opposite? Did I have enough of whatever it took to hold onto Jeff? What, exactly, did it take? Would he get bored with me because I couldn’t keep up with him? Was I the person he said I was, or was he seeing what he wanted to see? This was so risky and scary and by far the most fulfilling thing I had ever done in my life. What would I do if I lost him? The very question filled me with such terror I trembled. ‘Are you chilly?’ He sounded incredulous. ‘Don’t be silly. It’s too warm. I just had a muscle spasm.’ Should I be sharing this with him? Would it make me less attractive to be recognized as so insecure? Would I be giving him more power over me? Would he always use it benevolently? This went way beyond the. Ashley sighed,"well, take a seat first."I chose to sit on the dolls-occupied sofa. There wasn't muchroom for me, but it's better to put some distances between us toease the tension a little. I waited for them to settle down onthe bed. I took a deep breath and began, "I ... I'm sorry ...about last night. I behaved very badly." Ashley, I know that you are trying to help me ... but Icouldn't just pass the chance to redeem myself as a guy," Ipaused. "I mean it would be like I'm admitting I'm want to be agirl without a fight."Alice seemed a little upset but she kept quiet. Ashley saidregretfully, "Petra, I'm sorry too. We shouldn't force our ideasonto you. You're right. It's just an accident that made youdressed as a girl. We'll get some male clothes for you. You havethe right to decide what you want. But we still love you verymuch, even if you go back as a guy." No, that isn't what I meant!" I stated strongly. "You're rightabout me. I'm scared. I'm scared of how everybody will look atme.
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