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Monday morning I got up earlier than usual and dressed for work. I pulled a pair of nude stockings along with one of my older suspender belts and a pair of satiny knickers from the drawer. I sat on the bed next to John who was already awake. John held my hand but I moved it away quickly."Not yet John." I said."Look." I said. "I don't know if I can trust you anymore and if I can't I really don't know how we can carry on."John looked dejected but said nothing."However, I've got an idea and am prepared to give things another go if you agree."John's eyes lit up and he sat up straight in bed."Anything." He said. 'I'll do anything that you want."OK." I answered. "I want you to wear these to work under your work clothes." I said, holding up the stockings, suspenders and panties."Women's clothes?" He said."Call them what you want." I said. "But I can't see you carrying on with anyone if you are wearing women's underwear?" OK. So you want me to wear these things under my suit today?" John. Burned out. Suicidal. Depressed. That's how cops die or slide into a bottle. That's where I was until one of those chance intersections of lives pulled me out; one of those pitches life throws at you that you can decide to turn away from, or allow it to change you forever.A loss of that perspective, a loss of my ability to remember the magic in life and the accumulated weight of too many arrows and too much caring about them had led me to that hotel room in Seattle. I hadn't felt this bad in years and while I was in town to deliver a paper at a conference and had been well received, I didn't make much of a difference. I was at the point where I was counting days 'till retirement, a practice I'd always abhorred among public servants. That night I had showered, downed a vodka and tonic and was looking out the curtains of my room across the hotel's atrium. Years ago I would have looked out of that atrium and felt the hum of life: laughter, debate, pain, lust, love, joy and confusion,.
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