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As hard has it is to explain and in spite of all the hurt he has caused, I still believe that he is the person I am meant to be with in this life. It is not every day that you find someone who makes you feel the way he has made me feel and as pathetic as it is to admit, I don't want to let him go. So, with that, I have decided to settle for this, "friendship."I have decided to settle for continuing to interact with him in any way that is possible to do so, whether that means I only get to talk to him once a week or even once a year. I have elected to watch him live his life with a person I know is not right for him and I have chosen to keep my mouth shut about my feelings indefinitely not matter how much it eats away at me. The worst part is that not a single one of my desires has waned. Not one has become less intense, or less aggravating, in the past weeks regardless of any logic I have tried to force myself to acknowledge. I thought the dreams of him would cease if we ended. I liked that about him as well. James was proving to be damn good company. I was waiting for the other shoe to fall of course. He was bound to do something to ruin it all. Men were just programed like that.I was surprised to just realize that they were closing the place on us. We had been sitting and telling each other stories for hours. James and I shared a few things. In addition to college he had been to the big sandbox. We had both heard the sounds of gunfire, not on a target range Also like me he had never had to say a final goodbye to a close friend in the field."Frankly I had list of people to push out in front of me if things got really rank," I explained."I had an old Russian pistol, I liberated, just in case some of the assholes in my squad ever got me really pissed off before a firefight," James said."I had a box opener like the ones in the 911 planes. Just in case someone really really needed to be transformed in a hurry." I smiled even though I knew I had never planned.
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