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Not that you'dknow the difference, but I never was a lesbian; although the gay/lesbiankids at my school were the most accepting, the closest fit for mesocially, and I threw my lesbian identity in your face out of spite. Andthe feminist rhetoric I'd picked up from my more political friends,talking a lot more radical than anything I actually believed, because youhated it and had such weird ideas about "those women's libbers" being thecause of every evil in the world. Not proud of all that, but I was seeingwhat a lie it was---that "love" you would always retract like anemotional drawbridge whenever I fell short of your approval---and I justwanted to hurt you back.I know we were both relieved when I moved out. Visits home from collegewere easier. Since they only lasted a day or so we could go through themotions of being civil. I never stopped wanting your approval, I achedfor your acceptance, but was realistic enough to know that if I didn'thave it as a lesbian things would get even. He made it clear she was his property - at his beck and call, and available to do with as he chose.She had always needed it. The man she had married, and who had fathered her two children, had gone beyond chauvinism to all-out abuse. Since the divorce, she had dated a string of men who took her for granted, degraded her, and in a few cases, knocked her around. To her, that was how men were with women. It was the way of things.The degradation was a primary source of arousal for Chelly. The helplessness, the shame, and even some of the pain were key elements of foreplay for her. The more helpless and out of control she felt, the hotter she got.Her ex and her previous dates had needed to put her down to elevate themselves. It was a fact she had realized only recently, despite her mother's having told her countless times. This surgeon was different, definitely a higher class of chauvinist. Oh, he was still domineering, and he still put her down. But the put-downs were far classier,.
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