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We had developed a cycle where I'd stay over their place on Thursday nights, did some cooking and cleaning to pay for my room and board, and then we'd plan small parties as soon as we got back from classes on Friday. Then we'd either wake up hung-over on Saturday, I'd go home to shower and grab food, or we'd order pizza and plan another party for that night. This went on pretty harmlessly for a while, with the party nights usually ending with everyone going home, the couple going off into their room to fuck, and if I was lucky, a girl staying behind to hook up with on the futon. My buddy's girlfriend was always making offhand comments about the girls I picked up, but it didn't bother me much. As long as she wasn't willing to jerk me off, I had to find someone.One night while I was sitting down behind the couch screwing around on my laptop (the apartment had a couch in the middle of the living room because their TV was tiny, so there was a sort of nook with a desk behind the couch. I wonder what it would have been like. To just have, the briefest of moments to be with you. To be a whole person again. To be a real person with a life again. To be what used to be me. I wonder about a life that can never be now. A life that, that by contrast, is so different than what I have now. I can not hope for this to be as I would like it. Doing so would mean not considering you and your situation. So instead I attempt to get through the day as best I can. I muddle through. I struggle to maintain my composure each and every minute of my day. A day that drags on and on and gets harder and harder to get through. Each day I wonder. Each day I tell myself. I tell myself that this it is for the best. That it can’t be any other way. It has to be this way and this way only. I try to explain it to myself. I try to understand it. I try to make peace with it. I try to convince my heart that the ache, the pain, the emptiness will go away. That there will be a ‘someone’ for me, a.
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