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The solid, sturdy bed in the background, with the still-warm and rumpled sheets lends an element of reality to the image before him, and reasserts the idea that there are no longer any physical or moral boundaries between him and his would-be lover. With renewed confidence he acts out the scene he has rehearsed over and over in his dreams, approaching the woman before him as an actor would walk onto a stage, surrendering his entire self to the performance and existing only for the moment. In his mind’s eye he watches himself as if he were a spectator in the stalls. And he watches her, as he walks towards her he can see her lips part slightly, in anticipation of his kiss. But instead of kissing her, he finds himself, or rather, this more self-assured version of himself, walking past her and lounging back against the pillows on the bed behind. Her eyes follow him, and a slight tremor crosses the lower half of her face. It is a tiny movement that would have been imperceptible to almost. So were the three other guys I have been with. All bores. I thought sex was boring because of them. I thought sex was a chore, honestly. With Josh especially, it was ‘mind if I do this’, ‘Can I touch you here’. ‘I’m going to do this now, okay?’, or maybe ‘Please, could we try this?’ Like I said, boring. In Josh’s defense, I never did tell him what I wanted or needed. Until Ben Sheppard came along, I didn’t know what I wanted or needed and wouldn’t let myself consider that what I wanted and needed is the firm hand that Ben gives me. In many ways, I feel like Ben Sheppard took my virginity. My hymen is long gone, but really having a feel for what sex is or what it could be, didn’t happened until now. I finally get to see the beauty of the love act at thirty-three. ‘I love you.’ I can say the ‘I’. I think I understand the ‘love’. That only left the ‘you’. Was Ben Sheppard the ‘you’? Could I love Ben Sheppard? That’s how I asked myself the question earlier today. ‘Could I love Ben.
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