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I want to find words but can't form them. My brain tries to stop me – thinking hurts – but I persevere, managing to croak, "Sorry."She looks up, a kindly expression. Soft and feminine, framed by a blonde bob. "You gave me quite a fright, young man." Sorry." My throat feels as if miniature cavalry are circling it and jabbing me with forks. I indicate the mess on the floor.She waves my apology away. "Goodness me. Rather this than if I'd been two minutes later and found… well, I don't know. What were you thinking?"I look away, ashamed. It all seemed so well-defined, so perfect. Fleeing the school gates leaving the taunts behind. Swiping the bottle from dad's cupboard. Collecting the pills from the medicine cabinet. Renting the room.She blots the sizeable stain and squeezes it into a nearby mop bucket with gloved hands. "Listen, it's not my place, but if you want to talk about it, I'm not going anywhere until this is cleaned up." She flops the cloth back to the carpet and scrubs. "This is. Almost anything to hear him whisper ‘honeypie’, or ‘dollface’, or the one who called me ‘sugar’, and especially the one who simply said my name as if it were more holy than God. When I see the young ones, with the sweat from the plastic cups of their iced lattes dripping onto their crossed tanned legs, I feel him pushing my thong down my hips. I feel the elastic peeling down my ass crack, I feel the fabric slide down my knees and I step out. Naked. Ready. And I always push it away, bite my lips, and keep walking. I ache in my very soul to hear the sounds of male laughter, to feel a drunken finger push my hair out of my face, then hook my chin and pull me in. The one who called me Sugar used to wait until he was nearly too drunk to stand, then push me against the bathroom sink and have me. His curly hair in my shoulder, biting my breast. I don’t even remember most of it, just having a throat too sore to protest when my best friend would pull me from the mattress on the floor. She’d.
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