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I burst through the door and run up the stairs and into my room and shut the door. I sit on the edge of my bed, survey the chaos that I have made my own, and begin to cry. It is the first time since finding out that my dad had been killed in a road accident that I have been able to let my emotions out. Most of the people have gone now from downstairs. What had started out as a somber occasion did, eventually, lighten up into a bit of a family and friends get-together, as these things inevitably do. I undo the black tie that is threatening to cut off the circulation to my head. Slowly, I undo the buttons of my white shirt and shrug it off, throwing it and the hideous tie onto the ever-growing pile of clothes already on the floor. My emotions are all over the place. I need to get out of these clothes. The clothes I've just worn to my dad’s funeral. But all I can do is sit. Shirtless and snivelling. I wipe my snotty nose on my cuff, and realise I'm not actually wearing a shirt. A. I also regretted my lost youth and the years I wasted as a man, when Icould have been a pretty and sexy girl. (Even if I had been a whitewoman then, and not a black woman, that would have been amazing.)I regretted that I had not come out as trans, or a crossdresser, when Iwas very young (even though I knew deep down that my drinking, swearing,police-officer father would have crucified me if I had done so at thatage), but this development was not possible for me until my mid-30's.(There was also absolutely nothing about me that had been "gay" until Imet James.)But as I wanted to recapture my lost-youth, I decided one morning that Iwould go down to Pauline's (on my own), and ask my stylist if there wasanything she could do for me to make me look "Younger."..... (YES, I hadthe craziest fantasies now of being able to go into the mall and appearto be young woman who was at least in her mid-20's.... I could go andshop at Forever-21, and Hot Topic.) I was going to ask Pauline if shecould.
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