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Red is the colour of pain. Arriving at Heathrow half an hour late, confused and jet-lagged, scanning the crowd for you and Steven, but you had not been there. Our then manager Pete, six feet tall, a bear of a man, hugging me with an upset expression on his face in unbearable silence. Then telling me that you both had vanished from my life, in an instant, in a moment of inattentiveness when the other driver had bent down to retrieve his can of lager, crashing head-on into your car. I pictured it, although my eyes have never seen your bruised face bleeding into the pristine snow under your overturned car, calling out to me in agony, until all that was left was silence. At the same time I was sitting behind the drum kit, carefree and overjoyed by the knowledge that this was the last concert of our tour, that I would return into your arms thereafter. On the black days, everyone told me that they felt my pain. The more experienced ones said it would always be with me, but fade in time.. What I did know is that he was a minor. I had known that when I allowed him in my bed. I also knew better than to do it, but I had.It could have been worse. I could have still been an undercover operative for the, what was then called, the SBI. It was called the Investigation Division of the Federal Police by the time I screwed Billy. I know it is all confusing but it is even more complicated for me, than it is for the general public.I hadn't done my final money count, but I expected to go home with my tail between my legs. Fortunately I wasn't dependent on the shows for a living. I ran the studio at a real loss, but I intended to always show a small profit on paper. Juggling those books was going to be a bitch, but having a real job would be an even bigger bitch.By the time I reached home I had decided that a change was not in order. For me, the status quo was going to be my life for a while at least. I intended just to enjoy it. I swore to myself that enjoying it did not include.
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