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My only cure for this is to turn these aches into passions. I long for you and instead of falling into the deep abyss of reality, I plan for the next time we are together. Instead of sobbing and yearning for your hands on me, I use my own.Reality isn’t so hard to face when you cut off feelings altogether. But this is a dangerous path. It can help you overcome the loneliness you feel but replaces it with a cold steel sort of apathy. I have been using this unfeeling method lately and I feel it has soured our good moments. The last night we spent together was hot and steamy as always.But the feelings that come when we leave each other never came. I wasn’t broken and unstable. I was cold and accepting of our denied relationship. Locking us away as a dream and nothing more. Sometimes, spending entire days convinces myself that we are only a dream and that nothing ever happened between us. We are just characters in one of my stories and nothing more.It made it easier for me to face the. She’d shop for a few Christmas presents for Ellen. Frivolous things, but things with some permanence to them. Nothing to remind Ellen—or herself—how temporary and uncertain life was. Something to make Ellen smile. Ann would give anything to see Ellen smile again—she’d even happily endure the Ann of two years ago. Ann decided to start at Victoria’s Secret. Ellen had always loved having finely made and sexy lingerie. There was no reason why she shouldn’t still have it. As Ann entered the store, however, she was caught short by an image that transported her in a flash back to two years previously. The young woman from the parking lot—the woman who was the spitting image of Ellen in happier days—was already in the store and was perusing a stack of lacey-red nightgowns. Ann was being confronted with the frivolous self-centered Ellen of such recent times, and all of the resentment and frustration raced back into Ann’s mind. She could rationalize her feelings about Ann and her bad decisions.
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