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They were stock still, but their skin didn’t look drawn and greyish. They breathed. They were alive. I walked forward, my shotgun at the ready, and the door hissed open and let me into the cafe itself. I was so glad for the helmet - it made me feel secure, even if it was only a thin pane of glass and plastic. I could breathe myself, and not the rot of the corpses of children.The four people were a mixture of genders and races. A black man, a white woman, a pink haired androgynous person who could have been anything, and an older Asian woman with a strong, mannish chin. They were seated stock still, their faces blank, their hands clasping tea cups. The liquid within looked like it had cooled and concealed into a muck that was as drinkable. As I stood in the doorway, I saw the face of the white woman’s face was streaked with tears. She breathed in ragged breaths. Her hands shook with tiny, barely perceptible motions.Suddenly, each of the people pulled out tiny things. The white girl. I had recently grown to better understand his interest in pain. I thought at first that Mike didn’t realize he was hurting me but eventually it occurred to me that he wanted me to endure pain for him as a test of my obedience. He also wanted me to learn from it when I made mistakes.As an example, on this trip he pulled the car over and walked me into the woods and gave me ten swats just for forgetting to call him Sir. All it took was a few stops like that and I found I seldom forgot to call him Sir or Master. It really did help to reinforce the dynamics of our relationship. It was a temporary pain and usually after the endorphins kicked in, I found myself enjoying it. I realized the pain was the price I had to pay to participate. I began to accept that I would be receiving it at my husband’s discretion and even for his amusement.I think on some level I wished he’d be rougher with me. I knew he loved me and he didn’t want to make me really suffer. I felt strange urges to atone for past.
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