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I have been lost in dreams, in dreams of you, indreams of togetherness.Love--I do not understand it. It consumes me, abandons me, beckons me,saddens me, disappoints me, arouses me. But, then, a breakthrough: arealization. Love is an idea; it is not real. Nothing we think orfeel--especially feel--is real.Only the moment is real. The now. The incident and the event are real,but only as long as they happen, for memories, also, are unreal.Very well. Let me explain. Perhaps an example will help. My breasts arereal when their weight is in my hands--or yours. They have density, then;they are tangible; they are measurable. Unmistakably, they haveexistence. But, after the moment, when they are no longer held, they arejust ideas, nothing more than memories.Eva, my former love, says I am too philosophical: "too philosophicalfor your own good," she says. (She is not philosophical enough for herown good, I say.)Thom (is it pretentious to include the "h"? I maintain that it is; Thomor Tom insists. Okay, and I am. But, please let him know that he and I are quits. Oh, and he's never to come around here again. Not ever. Fuck him, do whatever you want to with him, but I never want to hear his name or see his face again. I don't want to end up in jail for beating him to death," I said."Gordon, he and I..." Just not around here. Okay?" I said. she nodded. "It's time to take your nee'r-do-well husband to bed. Let's go."We were undressing. "Can I ask you a question, Gordon?" I shrugged. I kinda figured I knew what she was going to ask. I was right."Where were you tonight?" she said."At the Hard Hat," I said. She nodded.I rolled over to my side of the bed. The scene was tense. But, after a short time she chanced it: she reached for my cock. I let her. After some few minutes I surprised to discover, and so was she, that I wasn't hard. She couldn't turn me on."Gordon?" Just don't feel like it, Dana. I guess, you put a pretty good hit on the old ego," I said. That was true of course. What.
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