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All that afternoon Ithought about Blackie and Norman and sometimes got lostin a freaky world of heightened sexuality and fear, andperhaps those two are the essential ingredients for me.Friday seemed to come around quickly and the day flewpast, it always being busy at the end of the week. WhenI arrived home there was a message on my answeringmachine to remind me of the meeting, as if I would haveforgotten I thought and laughed to myself. I ate earlyand decided to have a bath and try to relax, also a fewgin and tonics… more than I should have had too. Ilay in the bath thinking and drinking for probably anhour, and by the time I emerged I was very relaxed…Ilooked in the mirror at myself and then decided todress sexily… why not? Not for Norman or the dog, butfor me.I wanted and needed to feel good. Black suited me well,and black underwear with black stockings seemed to fitthe bill topped by a slinky black number and blackpatent heels. And so I relaxed with some soft. There is an exception and that isshe-males. Most of them not only could pass, but they are beautiful.But is seems that all they do is suck. If a TV looked like that, hewould go over to the other side in a heartbeat.So, here I am, a mature, married male, who not only enjoys wearingwomen's clothes, but tries to play the part of a woman. but cannot evergo out in public, because my mind and my body are in two separate places.I am sure that it has affected my marriage, even though my wife and I areclose (as male and female) and it certainly has diverted my attentionfrom doing other things. "She' is always lurking in the shadows of mybrain. And at every opportunity she appears. With time the urges do notlessen, but get stronger. To maintain the intensity of the masturbationfantasies, one constantly changes the scenarios. Sometimes I think thatif I was a woman, I would be with another man. I have never done so inreal life, but would I? Could I? I don't know if I have the answer.
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