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We ended up in the bottom of the boat, kind of cramped between the seats, sort of half lying down. I know I felt her hands moving on my skin, and I'm pretty sure my hands might have moved around a little too, but almost all my attention was on her lips, and what they felt like, and what they were making me feel like. I had always thought kisses like this were sexual, but it went way beyond that. There was something spiritual about this kind of kissing. It created a kind of awe that made every second of it something precious, to be cherished and remembered forever.I know, I know. I'm making a big deal and going on and on about a simple kiss.But that's the point. There was nothing simple about that kiss at all. It changed me. Something gelled in me. I felt something deep inside me that I would be able to recognize from that moment on. I didn't really understand it then, of course, even though I knew something important had happened, but always after that, all I had to do was kiss a. " Oh," he said. "I'm not quite sure what to say to that." I'm just really afraid that..." I started, but quickly let the sentencetrail off."What, what are you afraid of?" he asked me."Never mind." Come on, Gabrielle, get it off your chest," he said.I sighed. "I'm afraid I might have sex... with him, with someone else,while I'm like this," I said. "It's really sort of tempting in thisbackwards, perverted way--like you were saying how we're having thisexperience most men don't. Part of me wants to take it all the way, Iguess."I stopped. "And then I get worried that feeling this way makes me gay--which I don't have a problem with, it's just not how I identify myself." Funny," he said. "The only thing I could think of yesterday is how itmight be interesting to find a woman and have some, you know... lesbiansex."He sounded so stodgy as he said it that I couldn't help but laugh -- andlaughter felt really good right now, in this absurd sort of hell.Back at Ryan's office, he had his secretary.
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