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I could almost hear my mother telling me to stop crying before my eyes froze shut, but I wanted them to be frozen. I wanted everything to be frozen so I could stop feeling. I didn’t want to feel the pain or rejection anymore and I had nobody to turn to. ‘She’ had made sure of that over the years, cutting me off from family and friends as I ignorantly followed like an obedient pup. This wasn’t the way I planned on spending my life when we first got together. I thought we would take care of and love each other, but after 20 years it finally dawned on me that the only one doing the thoughtful things was me for ‘her’ and when I finally stood up for myself she told me to ‘get the fuck out’. I had no voice and was painfully aware of the fact when I went back the first time, working hard for the past two years to keep her happy, but in keeping her happy I seemed to be losing more of myself. It was Christmas and I was about to be a homeless old lady and there was only one thing I could do if. ”“Yes, Mrs. Anderson,” I said.“Now you are learning and acting like a good boy,” she said. As I leaned over the chair, I saw her go into the bedroom and get a paddle. It was a long wooden paddle with holes in it. “This is really going to sting, but my kids could take it so you should be able to handle it. You now will get 50 swats of the paddle. If you move from your position, I will add more to that, so be sure and stay bent over.”I was surprised how much the first swat hurt. When I was younger, my parents would sometimes paddle me, but the paddle never had holes in it. So by the time I had received about forty swats, my bottom was really hurting. On the next swat, I stood up and rubbed my bottom. “I told you not to move from your position,” she said. “For that, you will receive ten more swats. Bend over, again.” So I bent over to receive twenty more swats. At fifty swats she said, “That takes care of your fifty swats, now stay bent to receive your extra ten swats of the.
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