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I had expected her to be pissed and say a few unkind words about Brian, but she didn't. She just looked at me and said:"He's wrong Jimmy, you do know that don't you? You are my life and you always will be."I did know that.I knew what she had been like before we got together, how could I not? She lived two doors down from me and we had been classmates from the fifth grade all the way through high school. I was at a party after the senior prom where she had taken on seven of our classmates. I'd been in the car next to her at the drive in movie when she and Steve had climbed into the back seat and the car started rocking. Ten minutes later Steve had gotten in the front and Ted had gotten in back with her and the car bounced some more. I had been on the roof of our house installing a motorized TV antenna and had looked down into her backyard and had seen her on her knees sucking Mark's cock while Ben fucked her from behind.I knew what she was before she started going steady with me, but. No more thinking of our bodies intertwined beneath the sheets of my bed. No more thoughts of kisses and soft caresses pressed against my aching flesh. No more wishing for his hands to roam eagerly over every inch of me. No more fantasizing of pianos and a home filled with love, safety, warmth, and family. All of these are merely dreams that can never be and if I hold onto them then I will never know peace. We will never be together and I know that, with every bit of my being, I know it but God, how do you let it all go? Something so strong and sure? How do you implore your heart of hearts to see reason and allow yourself to heal? How do you tell it to speak with your head and actually listen? To understand that this pain, this appalling heartache, could and will happen again if I continue to do this to myself. I know my dream is a warning of what will, undoubtedly, come to pass for me and that it is yet another attempt at my head trying to bombard me with rationalism. This fact is.
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