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I stare at my reflection. I watch my right hand move over to my left breast. I cup it gently. I run my fingers lightly around the underside and push it up in a familiar grasping effort. I watch my hand and even in the soft, shifting light I can see how my nipple has already responded. It is as if I am outside of myself, as if I am watching, voyeuristically spying, on someone else as she is about to pleasure herself. I feel as if I am violating her privacy as she becomes so intimate with herself. It is very erotic.I pull all the pillows and pile them behind my shoulders and head so I am propped up and my view into the mirror is comfortable. It is as if I am looking into the eyes of this erotic woman who senses she might be watched but decides to continue unabashedly with her display. My body … her body … is on fire like never before. I feel like I am being watched. I know I am being watched and it excites me. The idea of being watched as I prepare to masturbate to orgasm is. I was repeatedly told that I'd fail our son and he'd grow into a loser like me. Only a few times did the abuse become physical. He never hit me, per se, but I was slapped, shoved, pinned down, and had my hair pulled on numerous occasions. Most of these instances happened when he was drunk. Unfortunately for me, he was often drunk. I was always afraid he'd hurt Corey. Luckily, he never targeted my baby. In fact, he never paid much attention to Corey. All parenting responsibilities were on my shoulders at all times. There were the few VERY rare occasions when a sober Tom would give Corey attention. But, when he did, my heart melted. I'd always just watch them from afar and imagine how perfect life could be if Tom changed. During those times, I saw how Corey adored his father and craved his attention. Those brief glances at what could have been were like dreams that stood still. To this day, I have those images burned into my brain like photos in a photo album. I have a good one in mind.
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