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A ballerina? I love the dance, and the new dance steps I learn in aerobics. A aerobic dancer? That would be a great job. I could wear shapely, feminine leotards and tights. What would happen if I taught a class wearing a blue leotard and red tights... The third part of my dream involved how I would like other to respond to me, interact with me, and treat me. As a guy, they never think about it, it was be a good feminine trait? The way I interacted with people was as Belinda, a soft, feminine woman. I would like to provide feelings of support, comfort, and belonging. In one sequence I was looking at a young woman's fashion magazine. I would see the new fashions and imagine myself in the picture. Have you ever fantasized like that? Be honest, girls. The part of the dream was my job search. As I guy, it involved putting on a suit and going to interviews. As a woman, dressing up was pleasurable. First, I took a shower, and put on some body wash. Next, I patted myself dry.. Stan and I worked on this together in January. We talked about what he wanted me to say. Some of these words are his. Several days after he died, I was writing to a close personal -- real life -- friend. I put ten words together at the top of my message. Then I cried for a long time. It was cathartic. So I shared those words with a few electronic friends; people I'd been close to since the bulletin boards shut down, and everybody migrated to the World Wide Web. Once I did that, I decided to share my thoughts with the rest of you. I wrote:StanHe diedI wasn't readyI know he wasOnce I laid that grief on you, I felt better. You've been most gracious in your comments, both public and private, but now I'm embarrassed to have taken up so much bandwidth on an off-topic message.This is a message of great joy, and a message of extreme sadness. I'm sad for a life cut far too short, and I'm eternally grateful to have had my best friend in my life for almost 36 years. I've waited a while before.
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